i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
