Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
