i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
