Jerry, you need to find god
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
