Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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