I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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