Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
