I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
