I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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