she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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