I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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