I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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