On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
