Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
