party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
