She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
