My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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