the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wish my penis had a tongue
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
