2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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