Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
