That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
