Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
