Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
