I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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