i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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