oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
