she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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