made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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