Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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