just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
