Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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