So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
