when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
