this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Every concussion has its silver lining
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Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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