Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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