i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
