I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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