why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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