So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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