don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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