My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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