i think my mom watched the whole time
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize