just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
