Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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