My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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