I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
