I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
