y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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