then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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