atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
