I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
