i don't plan on having that self control this summer
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
