a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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