I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
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I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
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July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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