$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
