If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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