The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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