You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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